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Fears
Friday, February 17, 2012
I find myself constantly dreaming about the way things could have been… but even more so lately I’ve found myself dreaming about the future: the people I’m going to meet, the experiences I’m going to have… but mostly, I’m dreaming of who is going to be that person who will love me forever. I hate to express my feelings about this because I know people are going to judge me and if there is one thing I hate about everything else, it’s being judged. I’m constantly wondering; ‘what will he look like?’ ‘will he love me with the love seen in the movies?’ ‘when will I meet this person?’ ‘will my life turn out to be a fairy tale?’
Crowds. yes. No one knows this, except my best mate, Edi. I don't know how to overcome this problem. I had this fear for a reason. It happens back when I was in primary. I was asked to do a story telling in front of the pupils that time. Over confident. Paused in the middle of the crowd. They looked at me, some were laugh at me. I was so embarrassing :'( Till today, I won't forget that moment i've faced before.
And, these thoughts shouldn’t bother most people. In fact, I usually wouldn’t mind fantasizing about these things, but the reason that these thoughts scare me the most is because I feel like I’m losing hope.
facing problems. The most fear I'm facing too now. No mater in friendship or family problems. Some people never understands anything that we are facing and what we are going through now. Being judged for the things we've made. I may not good enough for someone out there, I know. Sometimes, I just feel of running as far as I can from everything that haunt my mind now.
So, for years I struggled with this. I wanted to be loved by God and I tried so hard to love Him, but I was always too terrified of him. I mean, there’s a difference between the holy fear the Bible speaks of and being afraid of Him because He ultimately find you unworthy no matter how hard you pray and ask for forgiveness.
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